Dear Megan:
I’ve been dating my now ex boyfriend since September of last year. He was great at first….took me on vacation, helped with bills, made an effort to get to know my family, I basically moved in with him after he forced a key on me after a few months. Now things were good for a little while…and then my insecurities set in and the arguing began. I was stressed because I couldn’t find a job and I had no money and I took it out on him. I also started spending more time with friends and less with him. I even took all of y stuff out of his apartment to make a statement. Well two weeks ago he broke it off, saying he could no longer take my ‘abuse.’ We were in contact initially because I initiated contact. We met up during my lunch break and he stated that he wanted to work on things, and that he still loved me. So tried being patient. On Friday of last week I asked him for a movie date and he declined — but asked me to come over to have sex with him. I refused and told him I wasn’t a booty call and when he’s ready to work on the real issue to let me know and to take care. He proceeded to call and text me but I did not have service so I didn’t answer. Saturday morning I showed up at his door to collect the remainder of my things, and we talked and he still said he wanted to work on things that were not really broken up its just a break. I told him that I need him to make an effort and he told me he needs me to be there for him, if its not too much to ask. I don’t know how to fix things I don’t know what to do. I love him and I want it to work. If it sounds like some details are missing they probably are so please ask.
Thank you,
Confused and dazed…
Confused and Dazed;
This is a tricky one – I feel for you. Guys can be so hard to read. But let’s remember that sometimes a red flag is a red flag and that it really is that simple. I’m going to give you a band-aid moment here though and say what I’m thinking: let’s just make a clean break and move on. Give him his space and YOU determine whether you’ll be there when he’s done ‘thinking’ — or not. I’m not saying he’s not “the one” for sure – I can’t, because I don’t know you or him. But I can say, from what you’ve told me, that there is some messy break ups to make ups stuff happening here and some game playing that is not usually indicative of a relationship that can last through the long haul without some intense work and some real communication. Living your life together is a long road and requires work through bumps like this; if the on ramp to that life together is this full of pot holes, imagine how much harder it will be when real problems come calling.
The first months of a relationship are the good times. You’re polite, considerate, interested. You guys moved in super fast and guess what? Stuff got real. Real life started punching its way into the ‘goo goo’ phase – job, bills, etc. And then things went downhill fast, am I right? I guess what I’m trying to say is, as much as it stinks to hear, it sounds like once the “glow” wore off, you two just weren’t that compatible. It wasn’t as effortless as it once was. Typical. But you both resorted to extremes at that point instead of talking it through. Not great communication, sorry to say.
As far as the booty call is concerned, well, honey: no. Just: no. You are never anyone’s back-burner or side piece. I’m all for women doing the booty call thing without emotion IF that’s truly what it is AND
truly what they want. But let’s face it, you’re so tangled up in emotions, there is no good to come from getting tangled up in the bed sheets, too. How will a booty call help you? It probably won’t. (Side note to always use protection ladies – always.)
Take your stuff from the apartment, and take your high standards and your self esteem and walk on. There are millions of men in the world. If this one is meant to be, he’ll be back. With roses and movie dates – not booty calls. Keep me posted. Oh, and Confused, I’m not sure what your insecurities are all about, but I know that many insurance plans cover talk therapy – or if you’re uninsured, therapists that will cut you a sliding scale break – so it might be therapeutic for you to get with a therapist and hash through your feelings about yourself. It can’t hurt, right? Good luck to you, honey.
Keep your letters coming to Thoroughly Modern Megan at meganyorkparker (at) gmail (dot) com. Thanks!
Megan
